What Your Sleeping Style Says About Your Marriage The Spoon
The Spoon So close, so safe, this is the most common sleep position for the first three to five years of marriage. "Usually, the man is the embracer," says psychiatrist Samuel Dunkell, M.D., author of Good-bye Insomnia, Hello Sleep, who has been analyzing the body language of sleep for more than 25 years. "When a woman assumes the posterior position, it may indicate she is the more giving partner or that he needs special nurturing." Semifetal, genitals against buttocks, the Spoon provides both of you with maximum physical closeness, though it's not necessarily erotic."Many couples simply find the Spoon a comforting, safe cocoon," explains Shirley P. Glass, Ph.D., a psychologist and marital therapist in Baltimore.
During early marriage, couples tend to maintain the spoon position for much of the night, mirroring each other. "When one person turns, the other follows suit, so that the spoon position is resumed on the opposite side," says Dr. Dunkell. But just because you've been married a while doesn't mean you have to give up this closeness. "When my husband hits the snooze alarm in the morning, it's our cue to spoon until the day can't be postponed any longer," says one woman who just celebrated her seventh wedding anniversary.
The Honeymoon Hug
Face-to-face, the Hug is the Rolls Royce of intimacy. Less common than the Spoon (and uncomfortable to maintain throughout the night), the Hug tends to occur at love's blazing beginning, when you're so deeply enamored you wish you could fuse, or just after lovemaking. Some couples return to it over the years during periods of special joy. And a few refuse to give it up, though, as Elizabeth Flynn Campbell, a New York psychotherapist who specializes in relationship issues, says, "They could be overly enmeshed, too dependent on each other to sleep apart."
What if your husband likes the Hug and you find it stifling? Like other marital issues, sleep positions are negotiable, says Campbell. Try the Hug until he falls asleep, then sneak off to a more comfortable position.
Like Shingles (on a Roof)
One partner (typically the man) lies face up in what Samuel Dunkell, M.D., author of Good-bye Insomnia, Hello Sleep, who has been analyzing the body language of sleep for more than 25 years, calls the "royal" position (bespeaking a strong ego and a sense of entitlement). Although the woman also lies on her back, her head is on his shoulder, suggesting, says Dr. Dunkell, she is the more dependent and compliant partner: "By looking at the world from the same perspective as his, she achieves a strengthening sense of comradeship and protection."
Couples favor this position, which speaks of a strong commitment, early in marriage. "There's a high level of trust here," says Shirley P. Glass, Ph.D., a psychologist and marital therapist in Baltimore. "You're like a turtle on its back, exposing yourself, open to all kinds of touching." If you're not comfortable sleeping faceup, but want the coziness of such proximity, try the Reverse Shingle: Lie facedown, with your body overlapping your husband's. Not only might you sleep better, but you'll be delivering a sweet message: "Psychologically, this represents an attempt to focus total attention on your partner, even in sleep," says Dr. Dunkell.
The Sweetheart's Cradle
This is a more fused version of Shingles, because you're actually being held rather than just supported by an available shoulder. Consequently, this position makes you feel like the recipient of a generous and loving gift, especially if you're going through a time of crisis or special need. "You're literally being brought in under the wing," says Shirley P. Glass, Ph.D., a psychologist and marital therapist in Baltimore. "It's a very nurturing position."
"When I was going through treatments for breast cancer, my husband held me in his arms as we drifted off to sleep," a 35-year-old woman remembers. "Even though we shifted into other positions during the night, we would return to cradling in the early morning hours. I'll always remember how protected and safe I felt."
But there's no reason you must wait for a crisis to try this position. Nor must your husband always do the cradling. Wrapping him in your arms while you talk in bed at night is an intimate way to reconnect after a stressful day. It's also a great position to fall asleep in while watching TV -- no matter who has the clicker.
Loosely Tethered
When love is new, partners will often sacrifice the pleasure of their preferred sleep positions to the rewarding intimacy of couple sleep. Five or so years into marriage, many couples feel secure enough to allow a bit more space -- and comfort -- into their bed. Often, they'll sleep tethered, like Spoons but with distance between them. The emotional current is sustained by a touching hand, knee or foot. "This can be a way of balancing the need for space and the need for closeness," says Shirley P. Glass, Ph.D., a psychologist and marital therapist in Baltimore. "It also diminishes the pressure for sex. It's an affectionate, not sexual, position." Of course, you can get closer whenever you like.
The Leg Hug
Some couples aren't comfortable establishing physical contact directly and need to go about it as if it were almost by chance -- your toes or feet "accidentally" touch, or your leg is casually thrown over his. Although such casual contact could imply that you or your husband are ambivalent about expressing affection or intentionally withholding it -- maybe after a fight -- it may also speak of healthy camaraderie. To Shirley P. Glass, Ph.D., a psychologist and marital therapist in Baltimore, hooked legs suggest familiarity, comfort and a daring quality as well, almost like a secret code. After all, you have to have a pretty strong foundation to assume such physical proprietorship even when you're fighting.
The Pursuit
Sleep positions can reflect passing tensions and discord in a marriage. For example, after a disagreement, your husband may suddenly turn his back and retreat to the far side of the bed in what Samuel Dunkell, M.D., author of Good-bye Insomnia, Hello Sleep, who has been analyzing the body language of sleep for more than 25 years, calls a freeze maneuver. If you then pursue and push up against him in your sleep, that's called Illegal Spooning.
Sometimes, though, the message intended by the person pulling away isn't clear. As Shirley P. Glass, Ph.D., a psychologist and marital therapist in Baltimore, explains: "The partner who distances may actually want to be pursued. His or her distancing becomes an invitation: Will you take the initiative to come closer? Or maybe the partner feels tired of always being the one who initiates the hugs and is thinking, If I snuggle up next to you and you accept it, it's not the same as you coming after me. In this situation, rather than Illegal Spooning, it's a test, a dance of the spoons."
Resist the temptation to treat your sleep styles like a pass-fail exam. Learn how to read your mate's body language as well as your own, but don't jump to conclusions. Sleep positions are a conversation starter, not an instant horoscope.
Zen Style
As time passes in a marriage, the tendency to restore privacy to sleep increases. "As the couple's closeness becomes fully established and less exploratory, a renewed sense of each partner's individuality is likely to arise," says Samuel Dunkell, M.D., author of Good-bye Insomnia, Hello Sleep, who has been analyzing the body language of sleep for more than 25 years. For some couples, that means buying increasingly larger beds to accommodate one or both partners' need for space. Other couples find a compromise in the above position: Touching buttocks allows for large-surface contact and private connection, but without clinging. "Like two circles, separate but overlapping, this position is a perfect definition of interdependence," says Shirley P. Glass, Ph.D., a psychologist and marital therapist in Baltimore. It's good for when the kids have got the best of you with their constant clinging and you need a sense of your own space.
The Cliff-Hanger
When your husband suddenly retreats to the far side of the bed without waiting to see if you give chase, it's tempting to diagnose rejection in that stony back. Should you? Experts stress there is no "good" or "right" sleep position in marriage. "Although any deviation from the usual could indicate a problem, most of marriage is about partners working with each other's vulnerabilities," says Elizabeth Flynn Campbell, a New York psychotherapist who specializes in relationship issues. In other words, rather than worry or steam, try to see what's behind the sudden withdrawal. Anger? Grief? Anxiety? If you know he's going through a trying time, give the man the space -- you'd want the same if you were sad, or stressed, and simply needed to regroup. In time, he'll roll back toward you.
And consider this: Maybe he's finally comfortable enough to admit he'd rather get a good night's sleep away from you than cuddle up together, listening to you snore or grind your teeth. If the distance leaves you lonely, maybe you can suggest that you at least start the night together. If you still sense distance, it may be time to have a heart-to-heart to find out what's really going on.
The Crab
Are you or your husband sleeping in a really peculiar position, maybe sliding halfway off the bed (as if to escape from each other) or ending up head-to-toe (as if you're traveling in different directions)? Pay attention: You or he may be acting out an unacknowledged need to pull away from each other, from the marriage. If you suspect that's the case, a marriage counselor may help you sort out what's going on beneath the surface of your relationship.
But unless there are other signs of discontent, don't assume that a weird new position is a nuclear strike. "Unless there appears to be a power struggle being waged during the night and the day, don't overinterpret," says Shirley P. Glass, Ph.D., a psychologist and marital therapist in Baltimore. "When you sit in a chair or on the sofa, you don't always sit in the same way. Sometimes when we're hurting we want closeness and sometimes we want space." And sometimes we're just very creative in bed.
